The Biggest Relationship Problems Couples Therapists See Over and Over Again

FT; SVEA WENTZLER, MA FOR SELF

Disagreements and other tense moments are normal in healthy relationships. Rough patches, too, are par for the course, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. But what kinds of issues warrant a visit to a couples therapist?

The truth is, all types of relationships can get something out of therapy, Svea Wentzler, MA, a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist at A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia, tells SELF. “It’s a safe and private place to explore what is and isn’t working,” Wentzler says. Plus, “it can be hard to hear feedback from your partners or friends, and a third-party expert can point out patterns you may not even be aware of,” she adds.

Besides the whole “saving a dying relationship” cliché, there are plenty of other situations that can lead people to call in a pro. Here is one common issue that may come up in sessions.

Arguments that aren’t exactly productive.

“It’s normal to fight in relationships,” Wentzler says. However, there are right (and wrong) ways to do it—that is, if the goal is to fix the problem while staying respectful. “When it comes to conflict, people really struggle with how to resolve it constructively,” Wentzler adds. Specifically, she notes that many couples avoid addressing their underlying issues, which can lead to dissatisfaction, distrust, and more screaming matches.

Instead of snapping over “little” things or yelling extreme statements like, “You never listen to me!” (which are likely to make the other person shut down), a couples therapist can teach partners how to fight fairly so each person feels heard. “We’re able to point out the current challenges to communicating effectively, then help guide clients to learn the language and tools they need to engage in these talks without emotionally harming each other,” Wentzler says. That way, problems are more likely to be solved—and feelings are less likely to be hurt.

When to consider couples therapy

It’s not right for every couple, and therapy only works when both parties are willing to give it a solid effort. But if you’re struggling with a specific concern, like craving deeper intimacy or needing more emotional support during a stressful time, a couples therapist is trained to help.

Realistically though, not everyone has the time, money, or resources to see a pro whenever an issue bubbles up. If you’re on the fence, here’s one telltale sign that therapy might be a real game changer for your relationship: repeating the same argument over and over. This, Wentzler says, can indicate that one or both people feel misunderstood, and improving communication skills could make a huge difference.

Another good indicator is if either or both of you have been lying or keeping secrets about something serious (like cheating, say, or debt). “These betrayals can cause serious and lasting harm, and those wounds are not easy to heal without expert support,” Wentzler adds.

Ultimately, the choice is yours, but there’s no need to feel ashamed if you’re considering this route. Fighting for a relationship that’s worth it takes a lot of effort—and sometimes a professional in your corner.

SVEA WENTZLER, MA

Svea Wentzler is a therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania offering online therapy to residents of Pennsylvania. She supports individuals and couples in building healthier and happier relationships. If you believe you struggle with jealousy in your relationships, Svea would be happy to meet with you for therapy from the comfort of your home (or wherever you have a private internet connection).

A BETTER LIFE THERAPY

A Better Life Therapy was founded in 2013 with a passion for providing warm, compassionate services to individuals and families in Pennsylvania. Our team specializes in relationship health as well as individual mental health. Our team has expertise in areas like anxiety, grief, depression, pregnancy related issues, sexual issues, substance use and trauma.

We currently have in person offices in: