By: CHENGLU DING, M.S.ED., M.PHIL.ED.

Codependency is a behavioral pattern where someone focuses so much on other people’s needs, emotions, or problems that they begin to neglect their own. People in codependent dynamics often feel responsible for keeping others happy and may overextend themselves to avoid conflict or abandonment.

You might ask yourself:

– Do I often give more than I receive in relationships?

– Do I feel guilty when I put my own needs first?

– Do I stay in situations that feel unbalanced because I am afraid to be alone?

If these questions resonate with you, it may be helpful to explore how codependency might be affecting your relationships—and more importantly, your relationship with yourself.

Common Signs of Codependency

1. Putting Others' Needs First — At a Cost

It’s normal to want to care for those we love, but when someone consistently prioritizes their partner’s needs while neglecting their own, it may be a red flag. People in codependent relationships often struggle to say no, agree to things they don’t want, or even lose touch with their own preferences altogether. This pattern can lead to resentment or burnout, realizing they give so much but rarely feel seen, appreciated, or emotionally fulfilled.

2. Fear of Abandonment

Behind many codependent behaviors is a fear of being alone. People may feel anxious if their partner pulls away even a little, and try hard to get close again, by sending many messages to check if everything is okay, or panicking if the partner wants a night out with friends. Even when a relationship is clearly unbalanced, the idea of separation feels terrifying.

3. Blurred Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, both partners have space to be themselves. In a codependent dynamic, boundaries are often unclear. The person may feel overly responsible for the other person’s emotions or decisions. Things like asking for personal space or saying no can trigger intense guilt and anxiety. For example, someone might say yes to a weekend trip they don’t want, just to avoid disappointing their partner, even if it leads to exhaustion.

4. Low Self-Worth

Codependent relationship patterns are often rooted in low self-esteem and an intense need for external validation. Many people who exhibit codependent behaviors struggle with feeling “not good enough” internally, so they look to their partner and the relationship to define their worth. People consistently seek approvals from outside, and being the helper gives them a sense of purpose, because “they are lovable when they are useful.”

The Mental Health Impact of Codependency

Codependency is not just a relationship issue—it affects your emotional well-being as well. People in codependent relationships often experience:

• Anxiety from constantly managing another’s emotions

• Depression or emptiness from neglecting their own needs

• Resentment from overgiving and feeling unappreciated

• Loss of identity, where the relationship becomes their entire sense of purpose Over time, they may stop recognizing what they want, suppress their feelings to avoid conflict, and feel as if they are only “enough” when they are giving.

Codependency vs. Healthy Support: What’s the Difference?

It’s easy to confuse being supportive with being codependent — after all, both involve caring. But in a healthy relationship, support goes both ways. You help your partner through hard times, but you also feel secure enough to prioritize your own well-being, pursue hobbies, and say no when needed.

In contrast, codependency often feels one-sided. You might feel responsible for your partner’s moods, or guilty for focusing on yourself. Instead of sharing emotional labor, the codependent partner may absorb all of it, losing their sense of self in the process. Devotion in healthy love feels empowering; in codependency, it can feel depleting.

If you find yourself always giving, always anxious, or unsure who you are outside your relationship, it might be time to pause and ask: Is this love… or is this something else?

Chenglu Ding, M.S.Ed., M.Phil.Ed.

Chenglu provides in-person and online sessions at our Center City, Philadelphia location and provides online services to clients in New Jersey. She works with individuals, couples, and families to address depression, anxiety, trauma, life transitions, and cross-cultural issues using evidence-based approaches such as CBT, EMDR, and the Gottman Method.

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