Assertive Communication: Why It Matters and How to Improve It<br/>

Article by Ashton GuideBeck, MFT

Effective communication is crucial for healthy relationships—whether at home, work, or friendships. We all have thoughts, feelings, and needs, but not everyone finds it easy to express them. For some, speaking up is the struggle; for others, the challenge lies in expressing themselves without being harsh or disrespectful. Assertive communication is the key to balancing your needs while respecting others.

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs respectfully, honestly, directly, and appropriately. It strikes a balance between passivity (avoiding communication) and aggression (being hurtful or disrespectful). With assertiveness, you stand up for yourself while honoring the rights and opinions of others. Here’s a breakdown of four different communication styles:

Passive Communication is respectful and appropriate but often dishonest and indirect. People using this style avoid expressing their thoughts or needs, often prioritizing others' needs over theirs. This can lead to frustration and unmet needs, as the individual’s voice is not heard.
Passive-Aggressive Communication is disrespectful, inappropriate, dishonest, and indirect. Individuals may express their anger or frustration in subtle ways, such as sarcasm or backhanded comments, which can cause confusion and tension. In this style, neither person’s needs are fully addressed.
Aggressive Communication is direct and honest but disrespectful and inappropriate. People using this style express their needs or feelings in a way that belittles, intimidates, or harms others. While the individual’s needs are prioritized, this style often leads to conflict and damaged relationships.
Assertive Communication is the ideal approach. It is respectful, honest, direct, and appropriate. Assertive communicators express their thoughts and feelings clearly while also respecting the rights and opinions of others. In this style, everyone’s needs are considered equally, fostering healthier, more balanced interactions.

For example, if you and a friend have plans but they repeatedly cancel at the last minute, instead of ignoring the issue (passive) or expressing anger (aggressive), you can assertively address it by saying, "I feel disappointed when our plans are canceled at the last minute because I value our time together." This approach clearly expresses your feelings while respecting your friend's perspective, opening the door for a constructive conversation.

Why is Assertive Communication Important?

Assertive communication is key to building healthier, more meaningful relationships. By expressing yourself clearly, you create an environment where everyone has the opportunity to feel seen and heard, fostering mutual respect and understanding. This open and honest communication helps minimize misunderstandings and strengthens connections. Additionally, assertiveness can reduce stress by enabling you to address difficult conversations and unresolved issues rather than avoiding them. Research has shown that assertive communicators experience lower levels of anxiety and depression, as expressing themselves freely helps release emotional buildup and manage stress more effectively (Kokkinos & Panaite, 2016).

How to Improve Your Assertive Communication Skills

Becoming more assertive takes practice, but it’s a skill that can improve your communication and overall well-being. Here’s how to get started:

Build Self-Awareness: Take a moment to reflect on your feelings and needs before speaking. Knowing what you want to express helps you stay focused and confident.
Use “I” Statements: Focus on your feelings rather than blaming others. For example, instead of saying, "You’re always late," say, "I feel frustrated when meetings run late because it affects my schedule."
Mind Your Body Language: Non-verbal cues are just as important as words. Maintain eye contact, stand or sit up straight, and use a calm, even tone of voice.
Practice Active Listening: Communication is a two-way street. Be sure to listen to others and allow them to express themselves, showing respect and encouraging open dialogue.
Start Small: If assertiveness feels intimidating, practice in low-pressure situations. Whether it's voicing a small preference or speaking up in a group, these steps build confidence.
Role-Play: If possible, try practicing assertiveness with a therapist or a trusted friend. Role-playing real-life scenarios can help reduce anxiety and improve your skills in actual situations.

Exploring Assertive Communication in Therapy

Assertive communication involves expressing yourself honestly and respectfully while also considering the needs of others. Enhancing your assertiveness can help reduce stress, strengthen relationships, and improve mental well-being. If assertiveness feels challenging, therapy can be an excellent place to begin. A therapist can help you identify any barriers you may face and develop the skills to express your needs clearly and set healthy boundaries. This process can lead to more balanced, fulfilling relationships and greater overall confidence in your communication.

By Ashton Guidebeck, MFT

Ashton Guidbeck, MFT is a therapist in our Fishtown Office. Ashton offers services in person at our Fishtown location and online through our HIPAA compliant platform. She supports individuals and couples as they navigate anxiety, depression, relationship issues, career, and life transitions. To schedule an appointment click here.

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